Saturday, July 31, 2010

Drugs have no effect on me

I know I promised a pharmaceutical-induced rant from the post-op haze of my belly button surgery, but as usual, the drugs have been a bit of a disappointment.  They just make me too lazy to do anything.  The only verse I managed to scratch onto the backside of my release forms as I emerged from sedative submersion was something about how none of the hospital staff could pronounce dental or labiodental fricatives, and how one nurse thanked me for not having much body hair.  There was no madness--only a smeary sense of well-being.

For me, pain killers have always worked just like they were supposed to.  They dull the pain and make me a little drowsy.  Boring.  Right now for instance, as the vicodin kicks in, I feel less and less inclined to type, and more interested in watching the Mexican sage bobble in the breeze.  I can't believe people get addicted to this stuff.  Either my baseline affect is just a notch below euphoria, or the people who pay seven bucks a pop for these pills on the street are in chronic existential anguish.  Could be both.

Anyway, the pain I'm experiencing now is probably no worse than getting shanked in the navel, or having a C-section, so I'll probably quit the pain meds after the dose I'm on right now.  In the meantime, I'll write what I recall from yesterday.

***

The following is a transcript, reconstructed from my memory--which is quite sharp despite the sedatives I was given and the narcotics I'm on right now--of the conversation I had before and during my surgery.


I'm lying on my back, looking up at the off white surgical light fixture swinging toward me against the background of the pristine white ceiling of the OR.  Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" plays in the background.  LOL, Doc, LOL.  The lights turn on.

Nurse 1: Don't look at da light!

Nurse 2: Well, you can look at da light, but don't go into it.  Hahahahaha...

Nurse 1: [Puts mask over my face].  Do you remember dat movie?  Poltergeist?

Me: Of course!  That was a great movie.

Nurse 1: Dat clown scared me so much.  Dere was a replica of it at da mall and I wouldn't go near it.

Nurse 2: Now dey have all da movies like "Saw" and stuff.  Do you like dat kind of movie?  I don't.  Dey're like, too realistic or someting.

Me: Same here.  Too graphic for me.

Nurse 1: Yeah.  Who wants to see people getting cut open?  Hahahahahaha...

Nurse 2:  Hahahaha...

Me: LOL

Nurse 1:  Just keep bree-ding normally.  Dat's it.  Do you let your kids watch dat kind of stupp?

Me: My kids are only one year old.  They don't watch anything. 

Nurse 1: Dat's good.  Dat's good.  Do you remember when you tried to hide me in da closet?

Me: Wha...??

Nurse 1: When your girlfriend came home, and we were swimming in your room in Charlottesville?  Don't you remember?  Breathe normally. You tried to stuff me in the closet, but then you realized I was as big as a dump truck.  So cute...

Me: Demi?

Giant Demi Moore: Of course it's me, my little cleaner wrasse!  Have you missed me?

Me: Well...of course.  Of course, my sweet Beluga.  But...but I'm married now.  I have kids.  I thought we were through...I mean, what about your children?  And your teenage husband?

GDM: NEVER!  YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Me: Of course!  Of course! You don't need to yell...

GDM: We will always be together, swimming in our private Sea World...

Me: Please...stop leaning on me...you're crushing me...can't...breathe...

GDM: Remember when you tried to leave me for Seventies Era Cher?

Me: She was nothing to me...it was just one date...not even a date really...we were just at the same dance party at the Safeway in the World of Shadow People...please stop...you're hurting me...

GDM: Of course she meant nothing, my little wrasse...nothing means anything except for you and me, right?

Me: ...hurting...my stomach...

GDM: JUST YOU AND ME, RIGHT?

Me: Of course...yes...

GDM: WHAT?  I DIDN'T HEAR YOU...

Me: YES!  YES!  IT'S JUST YOU AND ME FOREVER, GIANT DEMI MOORE...NOW PLEASE GET YOUR DORSAL FIN OUT OF MY BELLY BUTTON...

GDM: There, there...[strokes my head]...everything is all right.  Giant Demi will take care of you...don't worry your pretty little gills...

Me: [sobbing] But my wife...and my kids...what if they find out?

GDM: No one ever needs to know about us, sweetie...

Me: [sobbing]

GDM: Not unless you run your big fat mouth...

Me: I don't want to talk...but I...sometimes...

GDM: You're talking right now...what are you talking about?

Me: I'm trying not to talk, but I can't stop...

GDM: Dat's okay if you want to talk.  Just let me take dis mask opp ob you.

Me: What was I talking about?

Nurse 1: Oh, we were just talking about movies and your babies and Sea World and some oder stupp...I don't know.  Anyway, you're all done now.  Your podder-in-law is here to take you home.

Me: Did I...you know...go into the light?

Nurse 2: I don't know...I tink maybe you did a little bit.  But we pulled you back out.  Hahahahah...right, Demi?

Me: Demi?

Nurse 2: Yeah--Demi.  Dat's your oder nurse's name.  T-H-E-M-I...Demi.















 








 

13 comments:

  1. I don't even know what to say, but I can't leave here without saying anything. This was so damn funny.

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  2. Just wondering how your post would have turned out if the drugs had affected you. Oh and you do realize that any pain you are enduring right now can NEVER compare to the pain of child birth, I am constantly reminding my husband of that... feel better soon!

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  3. Excuse me for breaking the 4th wall of comedy, but did they REALLY talk about scary movies before you went down? Because that would have freaked my shit out.

    Also, doesn't one marry a doctor so that one might have access to the good drugs?

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  4. Man! My Safeway never throws parties. I'm missing out.

    I'm glad you're ok, Carol Anne.

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  5. So THAT's what the light is like. Good to know. I shall now go to extreme lengths to never die or need surgery, thankyouverymuch.

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  6. I hate Vicodin. Only good for relieving pain, and what fun is that? I had surgery in April and the doctor said he wasn't licensed to give me anything stronger than Vicodin, which was either a lie (he'd just performed surgery on me, after all) or a sign that he'd had problems with the law. Either way, SUPER.

    Glad you survived! I wish you a speedy recovery. And, based on your past writings, I'm glad your father-in-law was able to drive you home safely.

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  7. I tell ya... that Demi... she's trouble. I forgot to mention in my last post that she also haunts people who are slipping into a drug-induced stupor. Something about violating them at their most vulnerable... Glad you pulled through!

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  8. @Steamy,
    That's all you need to say. Made my day.

    @Nubian,
    Yeah, yeah--whatever. Childbirth is "painful." I get it.

    @Mme P.,
    They totally did talk about slasher flicks right as I was going under. They probably do it all the time.

    @Keely,
    I'm always willing to go to whatever length is necessary to not die.

    @Paul,
    Dr. Mom says your surgeon is lying. My father-in-law is a pretty good driver--he just hadn't driven a car with a manual transmission in a decade or so. The ride home was smooooth.

    @Sassy,
    She's been haunting me for almost twenty years now! Why must she torment me?

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  9. Hmm. I think you're probably right about staying away from drugs. If that's your borderline sedative experience, I don't think we could handle the message brought back from the beyond of anything stronger...

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  10. Hold on. The doctor seriously had that song playing in the OR? No way.

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  11. HO LEE SHIT. Can I go on vacation in your head sometime?

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  12. oh man - we need to live stream your next surgery...

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Don't hold back.

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