Monday, October 25, 2010

Winners of the freakiest Sex Ed story/book giveaway! (Also cute pictures of babies with pumpkins)

Against my better judgment and the advice of people who had been there, we went to a huge Pumpkin Patch/ Harvest Festival Simulation on Saturday so the kids could get a taste of life on the farm.  You know: battling traffic, fighting for parking spaces, standing in line for the petting zoo and pony rides, paying $6.00 for an ear of corn...just like Grandma and Grandpa used to do every fall back on the old homestead.

It actually wasn't that bad.  We went on Saturday so we could meet up with some families from my Asian Mommies group, but we got there early since we had heard that it gets completely insane by mid-morning on weekends.  The kids had tons of fun despite missing their morning nap, and the outing provided great photo ops, which is really the only reason to go to something like this.  Also, I have to say that having the mini-van made the 40-minute drive each way quite pleasant.  We left by noon, laughing at all the folks who were backed up for miles trying to get into the full parking lot like it was a U2 concert.  Suckers.

These pictures were taken by Dr. Mom. 

"I f***ing love pumpkins!!"

I can't figure out whether Cobra is pouting or smoldering here

They were ambivalent about the petting zoo.  They kind of liked the baby goats, but they didn't want to feed them.  They loved the chickens and ducks.  They hated this one bastard sheep that kept getting in their faces and trying to steal our bag of food.

Butterbean peeks at a little chicken while Cobra (background) talks to another Future Farmer of America about corn prices.



Winners of the book giveaway!

So now, at long last, the moment you have all been waiting for!  Dr. Mom studied your disturbing stories about how Sex Ed irreparably twisted your understanding of human sexuality, rendering you confused and ashamed about that most natural and beautiful of acts--scrumping--and has chosen, with great difficulty, her twelve favorites.  

I listed the winners in the order in which they appear in the comments section of the Sex Ed post so you can easily skim through and read them; and, where applicable, I have included links to the winners' blogs or profiles so that you can start stalking them.

If your name is on the list of winners, please email me at betadad(at)gmail(dot)com.  (Of course, write it out like a regular email address.  I just wrote it weird to foil spambots.)  Please tell me your street address and which What to Expect book you would like--the pregnancy one or the toddler one.  If you don't claim your prize within...oh, let's say a week, I'll give it to someone else or use it as a doorstop.

Kalei's Best Friend, who was convinced by her mother that breastal fondling caused cancer.

Frank, whose dad offered to give him an anatomy lesson in the shower.

Manda, whose dad offered her advice about dressing for sex.

Genie of the Shell, who had a vocabulary problem that made her think sex would be like a slasher flick.

Shannon Green, who had many stories that together suggest there is no real way to not screw up teaching a kid about sex.

Mrs. Kanatzar, whose father offered a birds-and-bees talk instead of a more traditional wedding toast.

Christy, who had trouble staying conscious during Sex Ed, and not because she was bored.

Peter, who was homeschooled, and had a teacher (his mom) who really knew her subject.  

Lauren, who actually needs the book.  Like, right this minute.

Amber, who launched a spermicidal space shuttle in front of her classmates.

Claire, who fell for the oldest trick in the book.  (I wish someone would have told me about that damn book.)

A Little Sprite, for whom we're hoping this book will be a good luck charm in her attempt to get "up the duff" (sounds dirty, but I think it's just Australian.)


  1. Well, I think 'thanks' are in order, tho, I feel that I should be a bit embarrassed knowing that I seemed to be the ONLY one to have gotten that dumbass information from my mother... Evidently I was not the favorite child..(jk).. btw I read one of your old posts that showed up under this post.. Wasian is one term I never heard of... Happa- yes.. btw, my kids are Happa...In fact your two look vaguely familiar... WTEWYE is my choice, which I will hand down to my girls who may find it useful if they ever get married and have kids...and in that order if they're smart.

  2. Up the duff is used quite regularly here in blighty.

    Also used in Springfield when Homer is thirsty.

  3. If you can pull it off, you should take all the pumpkins out of that first picture and put them in a cityscape like they're giant monsters. That picture is AWESOME.

  4. Look at your little punkins! So adorable. I just borrowed a friend's three-year-old and took her to a cider mill for kid-practice. She was also entranced by the gourds and the baby goats.

    And thanks for the prize! I promise, I will read it all and get my vocabulary straight this time.

  5. I bet no one ever instructed Kate Moss to "work that pumpkin, show me your gourds." Because that skinny bitch couldn't hack it. You've got some real professionals on your hands.

  6. I am glad my dad's engagement sex-ed toast is actually good for something other than life-long embarrassment in front of my in-laws!

    I am shooting you an email but I totally want the "How do I survive the first year" one since I already have the "I'm knocked up, now what" text...

  7. Great pumpkin pics! You did that field trip exactly right: go early, leave before it gets obnoxious. I love how we Southern Californians have this need to pretend we're living out in the country by going to places like this.

    As usual, the cuteness of your kids makes my teeth turn soft and fall out of my head.

  8. Love the pumpkin pics! I wish I had a pumpkin big enough to ride (in a not dirty way)--oh the places we'd go!

  9. @KBF--You're very welcome! And yeah, you should probably be a little embarrassed. But shouldn't we all?

    @Jacks--I'm going to start using that phrase. Do you think it will make me seem pretentious?

    @Frank--Hahaha. You should have seen me jumping up and down like an idiot behind my wife to get them to laugh. I like the idea of the cityscape. Maybe I'll have to break out the scissors and gluestick.

    @Genie--Maybe I can arrange for the WTE folks to send you some highlighters so you can mark the important vocab words!

    @Elly Lou--Do you think they could be supermodels one day? Should I be working on their eating disorders already?

    @Mrs. K--See. It pays to share your humiliation. I'm pretty sure I can get you the first year book. If the publisher doesn't want to send it for some reason, I'll just send you ours.

    @DiPi--I know. It's such a farce. As if there are really any family farms around here. We should take them to the central valley and let 'em pick tomatoes at some agribusiness megafarm for a couple days instead.

    @HHH--I know where you can get some huge punkins!

  10. Congratulations to the winners.

    Twins, as usual, adorable!

    BD ~ love the shoes ~ think you could send a pair to DiPi or at least share the name of your supplier?

  11. First of all, pumpkin patches are certainly great for photo ops--your two cuties are natural pumpkin patchers.

    Secondly, I didn't share this story for the contest because it's technically not mine, but I thought I'd share it now for your amusement at least. I had a friend who heard the word "orgasm" and asked her mom what it meant. Her mom replied, "It's kind of like a sneeze, and it doesn't happen that often, so don't worry about it."

  12. Wow. Well I've been away for a couple posts because two of our dogs have started spraying feces like crop sprinklers. The big ones you see in Nebraska. It's pretty much the biggest horror show I've been party to since my traumatic introduction to procreation. Speaking of which thanks for picking both the Wife and me! It's good to know that our combined research on the topic of humiliation and psychological scarring could one day bring about a prize. If only the other catastrophes in my personal history could win essay contests. Although I'd love to say we want both editions I feel like we should take the high road and just ask for the prego version (that reminds me I need to make some spaghetti). I'm sure that will provide more than enough panic attacks to last us a couple years. If I read the toddler edition before we get pregnant I might fall into an hysterical black out and wake up with a vasectomy.

    Anyway, thanks again! The honorably 9or dishonroable) mention was worth the public humiliation. I think. By way of thanks, I think I might see what photoshop wizardry I can work up on the topic of Frank's metropoverous infant idea.

  13. YAY! thankyou! and congrats to all the other winners.

    LOVE, LOVE the photos! We don't celebrate Halloween here so there are no pumpkin-themed photo ops for us. Although, we have two growing in our garden at the moment. Not the gorgeous orange ones in your photos though. Ours are green and stripy.


  14. It's children like yours that make me become that person that coos and wishes they had kids. Though I go home afterwards and realise that if I had babies I would have no time for me and I LOVE me time!
    I can't wait to have kids ... when I am slightly older. Also over here in Aus "up the duff" is the most common term for a pregnant woman (and some large ladies who wander into the path of the wrong tradie!).

    Photos are adorable though, but they are not helping me avoid having a baby! Maybe put up one of them screaming or something to that effect so my partner doesn't have to restrain me when he gets home?

    Love PollyP

  15. @Jacks--I'm going to start using that phrase. Do you think it will make me seem pretentious?




  16. We went to a Corn Maze a couple weeks ago (couldn't resist calling it a corn "hole") where our guide was a three-year-old and everybody got lost. I too was amazed I spent $60.

  17. Love the pumpkin pictures. You have adorable girls.

  18. Pumpkin pix are always good.

  19. You have adorable kids. I must say the pumpkins are great too.

  20. Is that really the oldest trick in the book? Now I feel doubly naive!!! Thanks for a REAL book, that I might actually use to learn something!


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