Monday, March 28, 2011

Dog Doo Diplomacy

 I'm posting on DadCentric today, about my dreams of revenge on a pooper scooper scofflaw.  Here's how it starts:

I'm one of the biggest confrontation avoiders you could ever hope to meet.

I believe that there are always better ways to deal with problems involving the conflicting desires of other people and myself than by facing them head on.  On the rare occasion that I do stand up for my convictions, I'm pretty easily convinced that I'm being unreasonable and insensitive to others.

A more charitable description of my interpersonal skills would be that I'm "diplomatic," a trait that I come by honest, as they say, since my dad was an arms-reduction treaty negotiator before he retired to become a ski bum.

So I'm all about making compromises and coming to a peaceful solution, even if it takes time, patience, and effort.


But lately, an issue has arisen that has me rankled.  One might even say that I'm incensed.
The truth is that I have been having violent fantasies: dark, lurid imaginings of vengeance on the scale of a Samurai movie or Spaghetti Western.

And the object of my twisted daydreams?

The motherfucker who keeps letting his dog shit on the tiny strip of grass between the sidewalk and the curb in front of our house.  The sliver of lawn on which we stand while loading our children into the minivan.  Sometimes it's not even on the grass.  It's been on the curb, on the sidewalk, and even in our overgrown flowerbed.

Seriously, who does that?

read more... 


  1. So, so awesome! How could I NOT click over and read the rest?! Only if I pass out before I hit enter. Sadly, it's entirely possible that it will happen, and because it's my kids' fault I'm not even ashamed to admit it. How come I've never been to your blog before?!

  2. Damn good post Andy. I'm thinking of using this next semester to teach first year writing. "Rhetoric as alternative to violence" has never been more clearly or humorously expressed. I read facebook 3 times a year, and each time I discover some new gem from you - bravo.

    Omega dad (aka Chris W)

  3. I really really liked the dog pooper scooper image. Good times.

    Hey, what if the dog owner is a little old lady, who's so old school, that poop scooping is passe?

    I say one punch to the gut would even things up.

    It would be really funny if it was someone's seeing eye-dog and they had no idea.

  4. Can you set up a nanny spy-cam to figure out who it is, then follow him/her home then throw the poop on his doorstep?

    That's what I'd do.


    惄 my cyber house rules dot com

  5. seriously; let your kids squat on his lawn. why not? You're a kinder, gentler parent and neighbor than I!

  6. I cannot WAIT to hear the outcome of this.


Don't hold back.


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